The oldest memory of grief I have is when I lost my grandma when I was 13. The above statement remained true through that situation. I remember being sad for about a week but soon got over it. At the time I'm sure I thought I was being strong and mature by moving on and not holding on to the sadness. Again, I thought the stages of grief were a made up theory... How could someone be in denial? Why would someone be angry..?
About a week ago I lost my brother-in-law.. I hate using that term brother-in-law. In our family we are so close; my mother-in-law (who we all call mommy) has raised all of us in such a way that cousins feel like brothers in sisters, so in reality he was my brother.
Mathew was in a car accident on 11/1/2015. He was a passenger in the vehicle which veered off to the right side of the road and hit a road sign where he was trapped in the car for about an hour and a half and he went into cardiac arrest. After police and crew used the jaws of life to get Mathew out of the car, they were able to revive him and life flight him to the Murray IMC. We were lucky enough to share a few last moment with him those few days in the ICU. Although he was not responsive those 5 days, it was an amazing opportunity for our family to spend time with him sharing stories of Mathews life and our favorite memories of him. Mathew passed away on Thursday November 5th, 2015. That was one of the hardest days of my life thus far. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but it was so hard for me because I had never seen sadness like that in my life. I had never witnessed such heartache.
through out this entire ordeal, I have come to understand how real the grieving process really is.
The day following his passing I was in such denial. It was hard for me to feel like it was real because he had been of life support for those days and part of me didn't understand why we couldn't just keep him on life support longer and just see what happened... I knew the doctors had told us he was brain dead, but I kept thinking they could be wrong or that Mathew could pull out another miracle. It really just didn't feel real.
I was so frustrated. I had prayed endlessly. I know thousands of others had been praying too. I couldn't understand why God didn't do anything for me. I kept begging for a sign... A sign to prove to me that maybe he could live still.. Maybe a tiny blip on his ICP monitor or a flutter of his eye. I literally prayed non stop just for proof.
When he passed, we decided that we wanted him to be a donor, and being a donor, he would have to stay on machines to keep his heart beating and also a ventilator to keep his lungs going. Because he still appeared alive in so many ways I had the hardest time believing it was real.
A few days ago, I experienced extreme anger (still feel it, but especially like 3 or 4 days ago). I was angry that someone could be so careless that they would drive impaired. The girl who drove was supposedly his girlfriend, if she really cared so much about him why would she do that?! How could she care so little about his life that she would even consider driving in that condition. I was so mad that God could hurt so many people. I was upset that Mathew had to suffer the way he did. I'm still so hurt that someone could die at the young age of 17 without ever accomplishing half of the goals they had worked so hard to achieve. I'm still so angry that so many of us have to go on with our lives without him.. without his smile and amazing infectious positive attitude. (okay, so maybe I'm still very angry, but thats okay because its still very new to me). I'm so mad that I have to go on with my life like normal as if it never happened.. but life isn't normal now. I'm so mad that so many people won't have the opportunity to know Mathew. I'm upset that many people won't know his story and won't learn from his situation. That someone out there is probably driving impaired right now and doesn't care that they might cause someone else's world to come crashing down at any moment like mine and my families.
Overall I still feel depressed, like I said, I'm upset that I have to go on with my life without him. Anytime I'm alone I can't help but think about it and cry. I have a hard time focusing at work because my mind wonders and I want answers. I wanna know what happened that day in the car. I want to know if that girl driving knows what she's put us through. I know I need to be Christ-like and forgive but I don't know if I can find it in my heart to forgive her... I don't know if I ever want to forgive her. Is it wrong that I want her to live with regret and pain for what she did?
I think that even though I've gone through each of these stages of grief and at moments I have moments of acceptance, it doesn't mean I won't go back and forth through these stages.
I want others to know that you shouldn't be ashamed to grieve to hurt and to express how you feel. You might have days where you feel like you're regressing and you're back at square one and denying things and the next moment you feel a bit of peace and that life might be okay.. That's all just part of the process.
Lastly, even on your worst days God won't abandon you. I know sometimes its hard to understand that because you're so sad at times and things don't go the way you want, but we just have to take a step back and understand that it's not always what we want but His plan, and His plan is perfect and will all make sense in time.
As I reflect on this past weeks events, I can't help but feel so overwhelmed with the love the lord has for me and the family. Although this loss my family has gone though has been so tough and at moments it feels as though we'll never be okay again, I know that the lord has a plan for Mathew in heaven and a plan for all of us here on earth. I know that I'll see Mathew again and we'll all be together as a family again in heaven thanks to the plan of salvation, families can be together forever.. I know right now it seems like we won't be with him for a while but this life is so short compared to the eternities we'll have together after this life. I love you so much Mathew... God be with you until we meet again
❤
My goodbye letter to Ma-Tay-Tay's: "Thinking of you brother. I miss you so much already. I'll never forget your smile or your infectious positive energy. I hope you get a chance to meet your homie Tupac in the sky high iced out paradise. May you rest in peace. You'll always be in my heart. I love you forever and can't wait for the day we meet again."
So many tears. I love you guys and I'm sorry all this happened. All I want is to make you guys happy and be there for you and I know it's so hard right now but I'll always be here to try and give you a laugh
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